Breathing Room
by serafindelaluna
Summary: [continuation of "The Finest"] Will and Jack have been together for a couple of months. But things take a turn when Jack decides to end the relationship.
1. Breathing Room

I do not own Will&Grace, or its characters

Rating: PG13

Warnings: Slash, OOC, language, sap, angst

Pairing: W/J

Summary: Will and Jack have been together for a couple of months. Things take a turn when Jack decides to end the relationship.

* * *

Breathing Room

Chapter 1: Breathing Room

By LunaSeraph

* * *

A single violet swayed in the breeze, petals soft with the closing of spring. Sparing its life by not plucking it from its place in the park, Jack sat up in the grass and looked to the clouds. Summer would begin very soon. His eyes lowered in slight disappointment. Now that he had a real job, he had a lot of responsibility. There was no longer room for those carefree days of shopping and meandering about in the city all day long.

The blue-eyed man observed his surroundings, sensing a dull feeling of nostalgia grow as his gaze fell upon a group of playing children. His eyes shifted to a middle-aged couple, sitting restfully on a bench near the water. Central Park was much like the world to him. All people of New York came here to escape the rigid confines of their neighborhoods. He himself often wondered how such beauty could flourish amid such a cold and impassive place. The children skirted around him, chasing each other in some nameless game.

The mere simplicity of their game compelled him to smile. They were so cute...

"Take that ya little sissy!"

...until they opened their mouths. Jack sat back, feeling depressed all of a sudden. At such proximity, he could understand the game they were playing. Not a simple game of 'tag', but 'war'. His eyes lowered to the blades of grass about him.

One child simulated the sounds of a machine gun, while gesturing with his hands.

"I got you!"

"No, you didn't!"

"Yea I did, you goddamn terrorist!"

He knew the children of today were a bit different than he had been; they were a little more aware of the cold world they were raised in. And a lot of them had very, 'developed,' vocabularies. He closed his eyes shut, and listened to those small voices as they faded away.

Children. He knew Will wanted them. However, Jack himself could not picture himself raising a child. He had not been part of Elliot's life long enough to dub himself a successful parent. In fact, the boy had been distancing himself as of late. Perhaps he had started a love-life, or realized that Jack was not what he needed as a father. Jack's eyes dulled at that notion. All he could provide was guidance, love, and friendship.

Jack quelled the fear augmenting in his chest, and gathered his things. He would not think about these serious things. Will would take things slowly, he was sure.

Rising from his spot on the ground, Jack dusted himself off and looked out at the park again. Will and he were scheduled to meet. But with his boyfriend nowhere in sight, Jack began to feel uneasy. Yet he waited...

Lately, he had been cursed with worry, regarding his relationship with Will. They had been together since the trip to southern California in early spring. Things had been going very well. The love they had for one another required no explanation. It was something that never really needed mentioning. Jack was very content with the way things were.

It was a beautiful year so far, and Jack was in the longest relationship he'd had in years. Will and he knew almost everything about each other; now and then they discovered something new. But other than that, the relationship was solidifying; Jack was in deep. And he was well aware that Will would be looking to get very serious, very soon.

At the time, Jack had decided to ride out the spring and cherish the lighthearted season. He would deal with the serious stage later. But now, spring was coming to a close...

...and his anxiety would not abate. He supposed it all stemmed from a conversation with Karen and Grace a few days prior.

* * *

flashback

"What do you think?" Grace asked Jack, showing him a catalog of furniture and beds. She pointed at a bed frame of queen-sized bed and the pillows and comforters that went along with it.

"Nice." He shrugged.

"Nice? Just nice?"

"Fine, _very_ nice..." Jack muttered, uninterested.

"Jack. You're going to be sleeping in this bed. You're gonna have to say more than that!"

Jack looked up.

"What?"

"Will is going to buy this one. He's already ordered it, and wanted me to ask you what you thought." Grace said. Jack frowned and crossed his arms.

"I never got a say in that!"

"Well, it _is_ Will's apartment. I think he should choose..."

"Well, why did he want me to tell you what I thought about it?"

"he didn't." Karen droned from her desk. "It's Grace's way of spilling a secret."

"Oh, as if _you_ could hold any secrets!" Grace defended herself.

"What?" Jack turned to Karen. "I don't understand, what secret would involve a queen-sized bed?"

Grace tried to contain a smile.

"Don't say it Grace." Karen warned.

"Oh, but I can't keep it in!" Grace whined. Jack whirled about on his chair to look at Grace.

"Say it!" he ordered.

"Well, Will bought the bed especially for you two to share..." Grace began cautiously.

"So? We share the bed he has already..."

"No, you guys will both have the bed. Its yours and Will's..."

"What's the big deal about that?" Jack asked, frowning slightly. Grace sighed.

"The bed-"

"Oh lord!" Karen interrupted Grace and walked over to Jack. "Will wants you to move in with him."

"Karen, I could have handled it!" the redhead protested.

"What? With your sad little bed metaphor?" Karen scoffed dryly and sat back at her desk.

"What? It was brilliant!" Grace exclaimed in shock. Jack on the other hand sat still, a wistful expression on his fine features.

"He wants," Ascending, Jack looked at Grace. "He wants me to do that? Really?"

"Yup." Grace smiled. "I know its-"

"Why didn't he tell me himself?" Jack questioned. Grace's smile fell away.

"What do you mean? He was going to, but he wanted it to be a surprise. I guess I ruined it."

"No! He told you before he told me!" Jack began to panic.

"Jack. He tells me everything. You know that." Grace assuaged, as softly as possible.

"What other plans has he made that I don't know about?!" Jack questioned frantically.

"N-nothing. That's it." Grace clammed up and returned to her work. But she wasn't fooling Jack. He knew that Will and Grace always talked about their hopes for the future, their plans and their relationships. Jack grew angry all of a sudden. Why did Grace know more than he did? But then again, Jack didn't really want to know either!

"I have to talk to Will." Jack said softly and left.

Grace and Karen exchanged glances.

"You don't think I did any damage do you?" the redhead asked worriedly.

end flashback

* * *

And now Jack stood in the middle of the park, a worried look on his face.

"Why does Will want me to move in anyway? Things are fine right now!" he whispered to himself, and felt tears of frustration come to his eyes.

He loved Will more than anything. But Jack wasn't sure he could really make Will happy, and give him everything he wanted. He hated going to work. He hated thinking about the future so much.

He was perfectly happy like this. And how could Will want to be with someone like him? He needed someone that wanted children, the same apartment, a life.

Wasn't this what you dreamed? To be with Will? And now you're thinking about ending it all?

He deserves someone better. He deserves someone who wants the same thing he wants. Maybe he was right that first time you told him you loved him. Maybe you shouldn't have been so whiny and needy. That's the only reason he decided to be with you in the first place.

He's in love. You're in love. You're going to hurt him, just like Michael did.

I'll hurt him by staying. How could he keep such a hindrance like me around?

"Hey Jack."

Jack jumped in surprise to see his boyfriend had arrived. He was so deep in thought, he hadn't even noticed him there.

"Will." He sighed nervously.

"So where do you want to eat sweetheart?" He asked and placed an affectionate kiss on his cheek. Jack smiled at him, happy for the time being.

"Anywhere is fine." Jack sighed sadly. "But we need to talk at home."

"Talk? Yea. We do need to talk!" Will smiled mischievously and took his love's hand.

"It's very important WILL." Jack said earnestly.

"It is!" Will agreed.

He's probably going to ask me to move in today. Jack thought miserably, feeling like a jerk for deciding to end it on such a day.

"You know what? Let's go home now. I need to talk now." Jack said firmly.

"Oh. Alright." Will acquiesced, a bit taken back by his lover's tone. Jack usually just followed Will's decisions, without question. So Will knew this had to be important. Maybe Jack was thinking the same thing he was.

* * *

They entered the apartment, one happy and anxious, the other nervous and sad as hell. Will placed his briefcase on the table and marched up to the fridge to prepare their lunch. Jack stood by the door wringing his hands and chewing on his lip.

"Oh Jack don't do that. The food will be ready in two minutes I promise."

"Will. I-" Jack sighed, and tried to decide what to say. He never was good with words. Only when he was truly devastated, he would write good things. But he was never good at saying what was on his mind. And now, when his mind was a jumble of doubts and fears, did he believe it was the worst it had ever been. His blue eyes locked with his boyfriend's dark ones, and he could feel himself tremble.

Who am I to make this kind of decision?

Im too chaotic for him. He deserves someone better. How could he think I could give him what he wants? And why didn't I think about this, when we first got together?

Because I don't think. And that's why I can't possibly be any good for him.

Finally both sides of him agreed.

Will looked at him worriedly. Jack seemed genuinely upset. "Jack what's wrong?"

"I know about the moving-in thing." He said, and took a step forward. Will's frowned.

"How'd you know I was gonna ask you?"

"Grace told me." Jack flinched as Will slammed a cooking spoon onto the counter.

"That's just great! Its all ruined!" Will shook his head and looked at Jack. "It was meant to be a surprise. I cannot believe she opened her mouth! God you'd think I would have learned my lesson from the last time she op-"

"I can't do it." Jack said lowly.

"What?"

"I can't move in with you." Jack's throat felt dry, and he could already feel his eyes watering.

"Why not?" Will asked, with a tinge of hurt. He rolled up his sleeves and walked down to be level with Jack. "What's wrong."

"It's me. Im wrong."

"What?"

"Im wrong for you. I-I can't do this anymore." Jack's voice broke and he wrung his hands more fiercely.

"Are you...?" Will asked in disbelief. "You're ending this."

"Will. You don't see it? Im not good for you. Im a horrible room mate, Im not ready for what you want."

"What?" Will began to get angry. "Do you need ten more years or something?! How long do you need Jack?"

"Please Will, don't shout."

"Why the hell not? We've been with each other for six months. We've been together for years! I've shouted at you millions of times!"

"Just don't. You're not making this easy!" Jack covered his face.

"Why do you always want it easy Jack? Is that why your baling out? Because things will get harder?" Will yelled. "I cannot believe this!" He turned around and looked up at the ceiling.

"Im sorry."

"Oh you're sorry. For what? For fooling me these past months? For trashing me, after I've fallen so hard? How could you do this? How?" He stalked up to Jack , demanding an answer.

"We, uh, I-"

"We, uh, I, speak Jack!"

"I told you Im no good! Im not good at anything! Im not good for anyone! I thought I would be able to make you happy. I still love you. I love you so much it's painful, but I just need some breathing room, to figure out what I am capable of giving. To see if Im ready. Im sorry. Im so sorry." Jack just let the tears fall, but he refused to break down in front of Will. "I just don't know if..."

"No. That's enough." Will said shakingly, and said softer. "You are good for me Jack. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. I just never thought you would hurt me in such a way. I know I would never hurt you." Will sat down.

"You did once." Jack said.

"What?" Will stood up. "Jack, that was just anger. I would never hurt you like that ever again! Ever! To this day I don't like thinking about that!"

"Not that." Jack looked up, and smiled sadly. "Thanksgiving. When I was seventeen."

"...Oh." Will looked to the side and crossed his arms. He felt very cold. In fact, this was the coldest he ever felt. He wondered if the ice was emanating from Jack. Was Jack really so confused as uncertain that he had to end everything? "Jack please. Don't worry about anything. Just let me take care of you. You don't have to do anything."

Fresh tears formed in Jack's eyes and he smiled again. "No Will. I want to be able to take care of you too."

"No Jack. There can't be two gardeners, " Will said frantically, on the verge of panic. Jack seemed very certain with this decision so far. He showed no signs of relenting. "There can't be two... "

"Im sorry Will. Just give me time. I don't know if I can come back, sure that Im perfect for you. I know you're perfect for me. And it would be selfish to keep you, and not give you anything." Jack sniffed and walked towards the door.

"Jack."

"I won't be far WILL. I'll be where I've always been." Jack smiled and exited.

Will shivered. It was icy. Wasn't it supposed to be the end of Spring? Why was it so goddamn cold? Will sat down heavily on the sofa and rubbed his arms.

How could he do this?

How could he make such a decision?

Why didn't I see it before?

As sad as he was, he was ten times as angry.

* * *


	2. A Coldness

* * *

Breathing Room

Chapter 2: A Coldness

* * *

Jack watched the wall from his spot on the ground. The ground was cold and unforgiving. How long he had been there, staring, he couldn't tell, or care.

But it was late morning now. He had gone a full day without his love. A blanket covered him, as he lay on the ground, after a full night of crying. But he felt cold. He felt the cold in his bones, in his skin, and even in his heart.

His face felt hot and sore, and his throat ached. Every movement was sluggish and strained. He thought he knew now what Grace felt like after Nathan. How she condemned herself to the bed, and refused to see the world, after it had treated her so cruel.

But to Jack, it felt ten times as worse. Because it was he himself that brought all of this about.

'Maybe I made the wrong choice...' It fleeted across his mind like a breeze.

'He was so mad.'

Jack buried his face into the blanket, and wondered absently why Will hadn't come over and attempted reconciliation. Or an explanation. He was stubborn like that.

'Maybe I convinced him.'

'Or maybe I made him see. He agrees with me.'

Jack gave a sad little smile and whimpered into the blanket. He felt another fit coming on, and he tried to calm himself down. 'Im not the one for him. I love him so much. It would be selfish to keep him... '

He let out a dry laugh. 'Like I already wasn't selfish. Im just being a chicken. I don't want to face reality. I've been like this forever. Why!' He groaned into the blanket, and sat up.

His eyes were puffy and swollen from crying so much. But for the moment, he cared not about what he looked like. His eyes fell to the floor, where the sunlight spilled in and made a bright rectangle on the carpet.

'He deserves someone better... Im nothing. I've always been nothing...' He wrapped the blanket around himself, even tighter, and considered retreating to the bed.

'No. I deserve the floor.' So on the floor he stayed, not even worrying about work, or his life beyond the apartment.

* * *

Will woke up furious. On some level he was full of sorrow. But for the most part, he was mad at everything. In his mind, Jack had no right to make this kind of decision. Weren't they meant for each other? Didn't he know that? Didn't he see that they had a bond nothing could break?

It made him even more mad, that this all happened because of his own decision to have them move in together. Was it so wrong? Was it soon?

No! They had lived together before! They practically lived together now!

Will threw a pillow at the alarm clock, sending it crashing down. He didn't need that thing anymore. In fact ever since he had Jack, he would wake up late. Now that he was alone again, his inner clock would set off on its own.

But Will truly hoped he would need the clock again. He truly hoped he could pick it up and set it again.

Will dressed slowly, his mind numb. He still couldn't believe his situation . He had been so happy. He thought Jack felt the same. He thought it would last forever.

'Is that what Jack is afraid of? Forever? He scowled at that. Perfect. He's still afraid of something real.'

The phone rang.

"God!" Will sighed and pulled on his blazer. He was in no mood for work. He had to deal with negotiations and corporate mergers, but then again, maybe he was in the perfect mood.

"Hello?" He barked as he put on his watch.

"_whoah! whoah! Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed_!" Grace chirped on the other end.

"What do you want?"

"_Jeez. I just wanted to know how it went yesterday, you know about asking Jack_-"

"You told him."

"_Okay I told him. It was an accident_."

"You ruined everything! Jack's ended it, and Im alone. Are you happy?" Will slammed the phone down and stomped off.

He didn't bother looking in the direction of Jack's apartment. He thought he had a pretty good idea of what Jack did with his night. It was typical of Jack to slide out of one relationship, and then sleep with the first male pair of legs he saw. Will felt tempted to do the same, out of spite though.

What he wouldn't do was cry. He wouldn't. If he did that, it would be admitting that it was over.

It wasn't over. Will would let Jack have his, 'breathing room' and then he hoped that Jack would realize that they belonged together. He hoped.

* * *

Karen marched up the hallway, Grace trailing behind her. Despite how much she teased them, Karen did care about her friends. And she cared about Jack and Will's relationship. And with this new turn of events, she couldn't just sit by and let it all go to hell. She had to know what was happening.

And after receiving a call from a distressed Grace, she called Jack. No one picked up, so she knew she had to talk to Will. She pushed open the door to his office, marching up and throwing her purse down onto the desk.

"All right Wilma. What happened?"

"Don't ask me. Go talk to Jack." Will muttered, his face still in his work.

"Will. Please." Grace said, also placing her bag down. Her friend refused to look up.

"Go away."

"Will. We're sorry." said Grace, a truly sad look on her face.

"We? I believe it was you who spilled the vodka!" Karen frowned, inching away from the redhead.

"Come on Will. Tell us." Grace pleaded, and came around to place a hand on her friend's shoulder. He stiffened and still kept his eyes averted. "We're here for you. Aren't we Karen?"

The shorter woman sighed and crossed her arms. "What did my Jackie say Will?"

"He said he needed some 'breathing room.'" Will conceded and sat back, finally bringing himself to look at these two. He was still angry at them, but on some level was glad they came to talk to him. Grace seemed genuinely worried, Karen on the other hand looked skeptical and even suspicious for some reason. "Really. He said he wasn't ready to give me what I wanted. I didn't even _ask _him about moving in yet, and I guess he freaked out. He hasn't grown, or changed, like I thought."

"Oh Will." Grace sat down on the corner of the desk. "Did he say anything about getting back together, or anything? You know, a possibility of him changing his mind?"

"Well, that's what Im hoping he meant by 'I need some time to figure it out!' Jeez Grace!" Will stood up and walked over to the window. "It just pisses me off you know? I thought he knew me well enough from the beginning, to know that I would want this from him! Why would he drag me around for six months if he didn't see a future? God, the nerve!" Will crossed his arms and restrained himself from shouting.

"You need to suck it up Mary. Lord! the little fairy's only thinking about you!" Karen sighed and began fishing in her purse for her cellphone, to try and reach Jack again.

"What do you mean thinking about me? He's back to being 'selfish, and commitment-free' Jack again!"

"Do you really think that's what this is?" Karen snarled and slapped her phone shut, after receiving no answer. "Because I don't. You need to stop over reacting."

"Over-reacting!" Will stepped up to Karen. "He dumped me Karen!"

"He just needs time. He's never spent more time on anything or anyone before you. Not even Saks 5th! Now if you'll excuse me, Im going to find myself something better to do!" Karen announced, and walked out of the office.

"Do you think she's right?" Grace asked.

"I don't know. That could either be the most, or least sense she's ever made."

* * *

Jack watched the Spring clouds creep across the sky. Or what few sky he could see from his spot on the carpet. The buildings all around blocked his view, and his right eye was covered with the blanket. In his left hand, he clutched a notebook.

Every time he felt grief or sorrow, he became an excellent writer. His writings were always from the core of his soul. They weren't pretentious, or works made to impress others. They were outlets, and stress relievers. Whether anyone knew about it, made no difference.

Karen sometimes asked for his stories. And he was glad he had introduced her to them. At least they had some use.

But the things he never liked sharing were his poems. He felt embarrassed by them for some reason. With stories he could fall back with, "It's just a story." But with poems, there came something greater, and he felt like he had more to lose.

He smiled faintly as he remembered Will finding his notebook and reading one of his poems. He had been mortified when he walked in on his boyfriend reading it.

(flashback)

"What are you doing!" Jack shrieked and tore the notebook from Will's hands.

"I was just reading it. What's wrong?" Will laughed and watched with amusement as Jack stuffed it back in between his mattress.

"Those shouldn't be allowed to see the daylight." Jack sighed and patted his bed with a touch of finality.

"It was very good."

"Christ Will, let it go." Jack walked to the fridge for a drink.

"Why?" Will whined, and smiled at Jack in a teasing manner. "I liked it."

"Sure." Jack shook his head. "Remind me to never let you clean my apartment again."

"Oh come on. I know every inch of this place! I can't believe I never knew that you wrote stuff like that."

"There's plenty you don't know, sweetheart."

"I highly doubt that." Will came up behind Jack and wrapped his arms around his torso. He kissed him on the temple and smiled. "Come on, why don't you write me something, sometime." He placed a few more kisses on the side of his face.

"Hm. I might." Jack smirked, not really certain about sharing that part of himself with Will yet.

"That'd be very nice. And romantic." Will smelled Jack's hair and sighed happily. Jack turned around to face him.

"Really? You don't think it would be cheesy? Or stupid?" Jack asked seriously.

"Of course not." Will blinked and was almost humbled by Jack's sudden display of modesty. He never got to see Jack this uncertain and shy.

"Alright. I'll write you something. And only if you write something for me too."

"Okay." Will grinned. "Deal."

Jack smiled devilishly. "But for now I want something _else _from you."

Will chuckled, and was happy to oblige with what Jack had in mind.

(end of flashback)

Jack never got around to writing that poem. All of a sudden he felt weepy again. He had no idea he was still capable of crying. He hadn't eaten or drank anything. He had confined himself to his blanket on the ground.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

He didn't feel like getting up. Not for anyone or anything. Maybe if it was Will he would. But Will had a key. He had no need to knock. Jack buried his face into his blanket.

"Poodle!" A high-pitched squeal. Jack blinked once and lifted his head. Karen opened the door. Strange. He didn't recall giving her a key.

Karen looked around and stilled when she saw Jack on the floor next to the bed, wrapped in a blanket like a cocoon.

"Oh Jackie." She sighed and looked on with a sincere sadness in her eyes. She closed the door shut behind her and slowly made her way over to her friend. "How ya feeling poodle?"

"Wonderful." Jack croaked from beneath the blanket.

"Well. You look terrible." Karen said and crouched down beside him. "Have you been worming around like that all day long?"

"No. I've just been here." Jack sighed.

"Come on." she tugged at the blanket. "It's time to get up and wash ourselves."

"Oh Karen. Im not in the mood for one of our dirty showers." Jack groaned and held fast to his blanket. He was still freezing.

"No silly. We need to wash _you_! Then we'll go out and drink ourselves a little happy!" Karen smiled and tugged at the blanket again.

"No. I want to stay here." Jack whined.

"Fine. At least wash yourself sweetie. I'll make us some drinks and we'll have ourselves a little girl talk! Okay?"

Jack sighed, truly wanting to stay where he was. "Alright."

"Good. How does _leche _sound?"

"Fine." Jack uttered and staggered over to the bathroom.

* * *

Grace sat with Will in her office, chewing away at some donuts. Nothing cheered them up like Krispy Kreme. Even in the middle of the day, it was the perfect thing. Will stared off into space, once again drawing inward.

Grace looked on in sympathy. She knew what he was feeling. In fact she could replay this scenario three times over in her mind. This happened to them too many times.

Grace could still feel the pain from Leo. It was like a deep wound that had yet to have its stitches removed.

"We belong together. Don't you think?"

Grace blinked. "No Will. You're ga-"

"Not you and me dumbass." Will laughed. "Me and Jack."

"Oh. Well. I always thought you wanted someone exactly like you. But that never works. If I could think of someone as your perfect opposite, it would be Jack."

"Yea. That's what I thought too. You think that's why Jack is nervous, because we're too different?"

"I think he's just scared of something this real. He's never had anything like this. Ever." Grace said solemnly, and suddenly she felt her heart go out to Jack. He must be really confused, feeling a love so heavy and true, feeling it all become so real, he probably didn't know what to do. He probably had self doubts, feeling inadequate, and incapable of making a committed relationship work.

Grace hoped Will considered these things. "Jack is really different Will. Did you really picture a future with him?"

"Of course I did!" Will took a sip of his coffee and smiled. "I could see us getting married. Having married couple fights. Making up in the married couple way."

Grace giggled. "Marriage? Jack? That's hard to picture."

"Not for me. Despite what you think, I know that he would take a marriage seriously, if he was only more sure of himself." He sighed and tossed his empty cup of coffee in the trash, making it in.

"Did you see kids?"

"Sure. But not that clearly. I mostly pictured the marriage part." Will's eyes glazed over. "I remember him saying he wanted to be with me forever."

"We all say that at one point. It's not exactly a marriage proposal." Grace said.

"I know." Will remembered it differently though.

(flashback)

"I love you Jack." Will said softly, looking up at the ceiling.

"Me too." he murmured lowly.

"What?" Will smiled.

"I said I love me too." Jack grinned as well and began tickling his boyfriend. Will wriggled around, making loud sounds of protest. He didn't really like being tickled.

"Stop! Jack!" He laughed and pushed Jack's frisky hands away. "Stop it! Jackie. You know I don't like that! God, now don't do it again or I'll leave."

"Nooo!" Jack wrapped his arms around Will and buried his face into his shoulder. "I want to be with you forever and ever!" He snuggled up to his boyfriend and made a contented little sound.

"Forever?" Will questioned, stroking Jack's back.

"Forever." Jack kissed his boyfriend and sighed sleepily.

Will smiled and kissed Jack on the forehead. 'Forever and ever!'

(end of flashback)

"Forever and ever." Will murmured and jumped off of his chair to head back to work.

* * *

"Jackie, you smell much better." Karen said with approval as she stirred the sweet milk into the Kahlua.

Jack smiled wanly and sat down on the sofa. Karen walked down to hand him his drink. He took it and sniffed it a bit before taking a sip. He never could handle his alcohol very well. He tended to get drunk very quickly. It was a wonder that Karen and he were the best of friends.

"Im such a hole." Jack muttered bluntly, and heaved yet another sigh.

"What do you talk?" Karen scoffed. "Its all Wilma's fault. Always was." She took a hefty swig. "Always keeping you locked in the house. Never letting you see the daylight! Wanting you all for himself! And the only way you could ever speak to me was by letting your hair down from the window!"

"Karen. That's not me." Jack smiled. "That's Rapunzel!" Jack laughed briefly, before sipping thoughtfully at his _leche_.

"My point is, that this is Will's fault. He obviously did this to the both of you."

"No Karen. I did this. I told him I needed time."

"What do you need time for poodle?" Karen asked.

"I don't know. Sometimes I think we're not meant for each other. Like, I would screw things up for him. I know he wants a real future. I don't want to disappoint him."

"Jackie. You are disappointment embodied! I don't know why you're worried about Wilma."

"Karen. Im serious." Jack sighed. "I don't know what to do."

"Do you want to be with him?" Karen asked.

"Yes."

"Then be with him! Lord, you gays have to complicate everything!" Karen rolled her eyes.

"Kare. I want him to be happy. I don't think me being with him would make him happy, in the long run." He glanced down at his drink. "We're too different. I would wreck things. Just like I always have."

Karen smiled patiently and walked over to the kitchen to refresh her drink. "Jackie, here let me show you something."

"Kare. I already know how to prepare a drink." Jack whined.

"Look. This is Will." Karen held up the Kahlua. "Bland. Hard. Has a good kick to it. And though I don't mind downing it alone, it desperately needs something else."

Karen then lifted the sweet, alcohol laced milk. "This is you. Now when you drink _this _by itself, it's a party. But when you put it here..." Karen poured the milk into the cup halfway filled with Kahlua. "...it's the best drink, and gets me through one of Grace's stories about her mother." Karen took a large drink and sighed happily.

"Karen. As much as I appreciate that," Jack began.

"Didn't you get the story at all?" Karen said, exasperated. "You are completely different. But in that way, you're perfect. As chaotic and irresponsible as you think you are, Will is ten times as boring and uptight. It's meant to be!"

"I wantto leave it up to Will."

"He always makes the decisions after all." Karen said.

Jack groaned in impatience. "But that's just it! I don't want to depend on him all the time! I want to be good for him! God!" Jack threw himself on the sofa and sighed. "I want to be with him so bad. But only if he thinks Im ready."

"Tell him."

"Im not very good at explaining it to him that way."

"Well, in what way are you good at explaining?"

"I want him to know how I feel. But I want him to know he has a way out. You know?"

"Jack. None of this makes sense." Karen looked at her drink. "I need another one. Maybe it'll make sense then."

Jack smiled slightly at his friend. His eyes fell to the notebook on the ground. He thought about all the times he and Will told each other secrets, that they loved one another, that nothing could tear them apart.

"I don't want to be alone." He whispered and sat down again. "But I don't know if Im the right one for him."

"Poodle. Once the Kahlua and the milk become _leche_, there's no going back." Karen said and refreshed her drink for the third time. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

* * *


	3. Wishing

Breathing Room

Chapter 3: Wishing

* * *

A week had passed. One week of breathing in a room too cold for him. One whole week of pain filled looks as they crossed each other in the hallway. A whole week of the both of them being angry at the same person.

The sweet breeze of late Spring was not present. Only when one wants to feel such a thing, does he notice it. After all, it was Manhattan. There weren't rows and rows of cherry blossom trees, or fresh orchids or anything. There weren't meadows or gardens here. It was a bad place to be, in such a condition.

The both of them were miserable. Knowing they needed each other, but not knowing what the other wanted.

Karen and Grace almost gave up on trying to cheer up their friends. As much as Jack loved Karen, he got no fulfillment from shopping. No pleasure from hitting a club. And despite Will's beliefs and assumptions, he stayed away from brisk and meaningless affairs to ease his pain. He would not wound his chances of getting back with Will.

'I want him to be happy.'

Jack had a bag of clothing packed. He would stay with Karen for a little while. The pain of seeing Will, and knowing he was there, was too great.

But before he left he had to do something.

Jack stared down at his notebook, the blank page mocking his loneliness. But he decided to write. He wanted to let Will know, how he felt.

He wrote the poem he promised Will.

* * *

Will was cleaning out his room, wiping every surface, scrubbing every corner. It was his own way of dealing. His mind was fully occupied. He failed to notice Grace coming into his room and sitting down on the bed.

"Hey."

Will shrieked, bumping his head on the table he was 876cleaning the legs of.

"What are you doing here" He asked and crawled out.

"Just getting your mail for you." Grace said and looked at him. "Jack's left."

"Where" Will crossed his arms.

"He's going to stay with Karen a couple of days."

"Oh." Will said, relaxing. He was glad Jack wasn't running away completely.

"He left something for you." Grace said softly. She looked down at the pile of mail and pulled out a thin, rose-colored envelope. On it; _For Will. (Don't read it Grace_!) was written.

Will took it gently, pondering on what it could possibly contain. He felt it in his hands, afraid that if he went into it too quickly, he'd tear it. He looked at the seal and tilted his head.

"You read it, didn't you" Will asked Grace.

"Honest I didn't." She held up her hands. "Aren't you gonna open it"

"I don't know. What could he possibly have to tell me that he can't say in person"

"Open it" Grace pushed, and came up around him. "Come on! Come on"

"Grace" Will sighed and walked into his bathroom. He locked the door, leaving a whiny redhead on the other side.

"Will! That's not very nice"

Will tuned her out and opened the envelope by tearing the side off. He removed the folded paper inside. As he looked at the piece of writing in his hand, he got a feeling of what it was. Unfolding it, Will sighed with personal pleasure as his assumption was proved correct. Written in surprisingly beautiful handwriting.

It was a poem.

A piece of Jack that he had never seen before.

He didn't want to read it all at once, and especially not with Grace pounding away at the door. He would save it for later.

* * *

_I never tried to keep track of how long  
it's been since we met._

_But I feel like spending time with you  
In a day giving into nightfall,  
You always finally call;  
"Lets meet there now."_

_I am saved by those words._

Will placed the paper on the desk, considering these first words, and stopping short when Karen walked in. He stuffed the poem into his briefcase.

"Hello Karen." Will smiled a small smile.

"You know why Im here don't you"

"Yes. And the answer is no. I can't and won't force Jack to move in with me."

"Why not" Karen whined, flopping down onto a chair. "The girl is depressing me to tears Wilma. She's always moping around the place, and refusing to beat the cook with me."

"Really" Will asked with interest; this was the first information he had gotten about Jack from Karen.

"Yes, he's a mess. And Im blaming this on you."

"ME? Why" Will's voice went up.

"Hello! You ruined this all! Always prancing around and saying; 'Jack move in with me!' 'Jack marry me!' 'Jack, let's make a baby together!'"

"I didn't pressure Jack with any of those things. He needs to grow up. And he knows this."

"If you weren't a gay, I'd hit you" Karen said and prepared to leave.

"He needs time Karen. That's what Im giving him. That's what he wants, right"

Karen sighed. "Right." She looked at him curiously. "What was it that you were reading before I came in? Was it the letter from Jack"

"Uh, yea. Im not done reading it yet."

"Taking your time eh? I wonder why people do that."

* * *

_Maybe its because I've had a lot of experience  
with this sort of thing; so much that its mysterious  
I can sense you near me_

Will tilted his head, a bit astonished at how the poem was turning out. At times it sounded as if Jack was singing these words. At others it sounded like he was speaking them. But most of all, it sounded like a message, or a letter, something for him to seriously consider.

_Im sorry for always depending on you  
Its just that I can't do anything myself _

More than anybody, Im hoping that the  
dream you formed in your heart comes true  
That you can be happy with the person you love

It was simplistic. But deceptive in that manner. Candid, but unrevealing of the real Jack, and who he truly was.

Will finished the poem. And re-read it. And re-re-read it.

He understood every single word in the poem, every meaning, and yet he still could not grasp Jack's meaning.

"Im sorry for always depending on you." Will quoted as he looked up at the ceiling. His heart clenched in his chest. Did Jack really think he was a hindrance? Now? When Will wanted him the most?

"When I say it aloud, it's as if he's talking to me." Will said to himself. He looked at the letter again. He lied back on the sofa, trying to realize what he himself wanted in Jack.

He was always certain of his own wants, until now. The radio hummed beside him. It was on the same radio station that Rosario had left it on a couple of weeks ago, when she was left to cook the group an Easter dinner. Will liked Latin music so he kept it on.

Ironically enough, 'Corazon de Poeta' was playing.

Will had never associated the song with Jack, until now. He translated it in his mind and sighed with love.

'He has an expression, soft like a flower. His voice, like a bird.'

'Like a boy, and yet capable'

'He has the arrogance of the sun, and a candid look.'

'Skin like snow, which creates a fire in me.'

Will switched the stereo off and lifted his head. He never realized how much about Jack was special to him. Every wrong thing, every right thing; he wanted it for himself. He wanted Jack as he was, as he wanted to be.

His heart swelled with love and longing, and he watched the ceiling fan go round and round.

_When all the things I had been storing up for so long  
Came flowing out;  
You cried with me, by my side _

And we laughed

Will watched the ceiling fan, thinking about those words, and where they stemmed from.

The time spent in California. That night in his apartment when he lost it, and something else came flowing out.

When Jack said it was okay, when it wasn't. Where it set everything into motion and made them hurt so much with love.

A love that made one ill.

Did they laugh?

They did later. After they were finished, and resting comfortably in the rental car. They laughed and laughed at their good fortune; for finally realizing they saw something in each other.

_As countless as the stars;  
we would meet and then part  
At the time I lost more than I gained,_

_But it's different now_

"What did you lose Jack" Will asked aloud, pausing and hoping for a response.

Will's eyes misted and all the anger he felt at Jack, began to lessen. Only now a deep and tangible sadness filled him. There was still so much he had to learn about his love, and he failed to take the time to consider all the confusion and self-doubt Jack must be feeling.

Will clutched a pillow.

Weren't they careless and wild a few months ago?

(flashback)

Jack laughed, and kissed Will on the mouth. "We can't keep doing it this way" He said breathlessly and winced as his boyfriend pulled the belt from around his waist.

"What? What way" Will whispered.

"You know, right after work! We're both tired! And Grace could come home" Jack protested, but kept unbuttoning Will's shirt.

"Well. Grace is always talking in the night, I hardly get to creep over until after Conan, or Last Call, and Im usually more tired then. Ever listen to Grace's talking moods? They go on and on. I'd rather watch you act than listen to her..."

"Hey" Jack frowned, slapping Will lightly on the face. "Don't kill the moment billy boy, or you'll be back over there listening to Grace _and _Karen"

There was a noise at the door, and they froze.

"Sh. what's that" Will looked at Jack. "Who could be coming over"

"I don't know. Did you lock the door" Jack asked.

Jack hurried into the bathroom, as Will hastened into his clothes. The door opened and Karen stood before him, smiling and drunk.

"Hey there Will. Where's my Jackie" She looked in, completely oblivious to the chaos that had been taking place a few seconds ago.

"He's in the bathroom." Will breathed and tried to be casual about drinking some water.

Karen began sniffing. "What's been going on here? I smell lust"

"Well, Jack _is _present... " managed Will, still shaking with unfulfilled need.

Karen nodded. "Ah, that's right."

Jack emerged from the bathroom, flushed, and a little irritated at being interrupted.

"Jackie, come on. Let's go to the park. I have some bread crumbs I want to throw around for the kids."

"Don't you mean pigeons" Will asked.

"Yea. That's what I said."

"Sorry Kare. Will was helping me with something very important." He pushed her along gently. "Im sure Grace can go along. She has no life after all."

"Oh. She's been so weird lately. Always complaining about her marriage, and Will, you. It's like I told her, 'Jack and Will went up a hill...'"

"Karen! Please, we have some guy issues here! I'll catch ya later honey" Jack smirked, and closed the door. He watched her go into Will and Grace's apartment.

Spinning around he smiled mischievously.

"We really need our own place far away to do this." He whispered and threw himself at Will once more.

(end flashback)

Will heard the door. Grace walked in a small smile on her face. She sat down in the armchair and patted his leg.

"How ya doin' sweetie"

"Im... fine."

"Any epiphanies"

"A little."

"A little" She looked down at the paper on the floor beside the sofa and picked it up. "Wishing? I never tried to" Will snatched the sheet from her hand. "Hey! Let me see it."

"Not yet." Will sighed. "I don't get his meaning yet."

"Hm"

"I mean does he wanna be with me or not? Is he ready or not" Will rubbed his torso and wondered if Jack knew his own meaning?

Was he waiting for him to make the move? Was he leaving it up to him? Letting him know that he would basically always be the weaker of them both.

That he would try to be stronger?

"Jack's been so lost all his life. And I never noticed." Will murmured.

"He was always putting on a front I guess. But on some level I always knew he was the kind of guy who would freak out and doubt himself. It's not that surprising to me."

Will lifted his head. "Well it is to me. I guess I always pictured him as the fearless and hopeful boy I met back then." He turned to see Grace reading the letter. "Grace" He sighed in exasperation and took the letter back.

"I think I understand his meaning." She said thoughtfully.

"What"

"He just wants you to be happy. To take what you want. Whether it be him, or anything else. And that he'll be there helping you, and giving you anything. Whatever decision you make... blah blah."

"How the hell" Will re-read the letter. His insides warmed suddenly. And he understood. "Thanks Grace." He smiled and then broke into a laugh. "He does want to be with me then."

"Isn't it great" she grinned.

"You knew this"

"I had a feeling." She jumped on him and planted a huge kiss on his cheek. "You should go get your man"

"I have to keep my promise first" he stood up and guided Grace out of the apartment. "If you'll excuse me."

"Ugh. Fine. I'll go bother Jack and Karen then."

"Don't say a word."

"I won't."

He turned to the empty apartment and glanced at the ceiling fan, ever spinning. The letter on the ground, which wasn't a letter at all, a Spanish radio station on mute, and the poem going over and over in his head.

_Im sorry for always relying on you,  
But this time I'll do it myself  
The truth is you're not that strong_

_And I cannot be alone_

_I only hope that you can laugh with  
The person you love so much._

Will smiled to himself. "But Jack. That person is you." And he pulled a sheet of paper from his briefcase, to fulfill his promise.


	4. Free and Easy

Breathing Room

Chapter 4: Free and Easy

* * *

_Sometimes I wonder; how much farther will I have to go?_

Jack frowned at the first line and threw the paper down. He didn't want to know about it now. He didn't want Will to reject him like this! With a poem? Was he making fun of him?

Tears sprang to Jack's eyes and he sighed a shaky sigh.

"Poodle what are you doing? Isn't that the letter Will sent you"

"Yes."

"Why aren't you reading it"

"I-I think he's decided to dump me." Jack said softly.

"You only read one line."

"Im scared to read the rest... "

"You're always scared Jack." said Grace, sitting across the room on Karen's sofa. The three of them were in silence.

"I can't read it with you hawks watching" He sighed.

"Fine, go out into the balcony" Karen said.

"Okay. I will."

Jack walked out to the spacious balcony of Karen's apartment. Potted plants swayed toward him in the fresh breeze, as if beckoning him to read the letter. Nervously he gripped the thick sheet in his hands.

'This is worse than talking to him straight up!' groused Jack internally and he looked down at his boyfriend's straight and neat handwriting. It looked so hard and official, but Jack could see beyond it and he knew there was true emotion behind the penmanship.

_Sometimes I wonder; how much farther will I have to go?  
I hear your voice  
"Don't give up" I hear it saying _

I remember the words;  
"Your happiness is my happiness."

'He remembers that?' Jack asked and had trouble himself remembering.

In Central Park, under an umbrella in the rain, Will had been complaining about the cold, and Jack had said offhandedly.

"Aw don't do that Will. When you're cold, I feel cold"

"And when Im happy"

"Im happy."

A hard and heavy sadness filled him and he kept on reading; amazed once again at his boyfriend's brilliance. 'No matter how good I think I am. He's ten times better.'

_If you're tired of denying things now  
And you seem as if you're not yourself,  
Believe in me _

I'll always be here  
The proof that you exist is in me

'Wow!' Jack smiled and felt a strange blush coming to his cheeks. All of a sudden he was free of doubt and sadness. It seemed Will did indeed intend to be with him.

Jack looked out at New York and grinned. He liked how simple Will had made his poem; as if mirroring his own. But Will's writing had so much more certainty and determination in it; as if he were relating a story, a lecture, rather than a poem of love.

He could truly see how Will felt now...

it was a strong love.

But it was no longer frightening him.

_  
In this dirty city,  
You're the person who gathers up,  
And shows me something beautiful_

* * *

Will had been pondering his message to Jack when he received the phone call from Grace, saying that Jack was on his way..

He jerked himself from his work and closed up his office.

Surely Jack wouldn't meet him there. In this building? Will ran from the office, ignoring the stares and questions...

He raced down the street and hailed a cab...

He had to see Jack. He had to see him, or he'd die.

What he had written. He had meant it all. And though most of the thoughts came to him randomly, he knew there was something there that only Jack could understand, and accept.

That they were meant to be together. That this whole time, they were always perfect for one another, that they would be with each other forever and ever...

And Will remembered Jack while he was in the cab. He remembered how confident and cocky his friend had been when he first met him. How he pushed Will into being who he truly was... almost twenty years ago.

_I hear your voice, I hear it saying  
"Don't give up"  
Believe in me, I'll always be standing here_

And Will would always stand by his friend, his love, and keep him from being alone. Whether Jack wanted to or not, they would be together for always...

Wasn't it Jack who Will thought was the stronger one? When this whole time he had been just as uncertain and afraid? And wasn't it Jack who showed him how truly beautiful it was to be who you were, and do this _despite _fear, not without it.

Because fear would always exist.

He jumped out of the cab and dashed into the elevator.

_In this dirty city,  
You're the person who gathers up,  
And shows me something beautiful_,

* * *

Jack also hurried. He power walked down the street, skillfully avoiding any collisions with the strangers that streamed past him...

His heart was pounding and he was afraid...

But that's what it was, wasn't it? Being afraid was constant. He only had to conquer this fear and take what he wanted from life. And that was Will. It was all he wanted; to feel safe and loved again, to wake up knowing that the one special thing in your life was right beside you.

Jack opened the door to find Will breathless and excited in the apartment. They had both met in the same place. Who was he to say they didn't belong to each other?

Will waited for no one. Without preamble, he took Jack in his arms and kissed the life out of him. Jack responded with a feverish energy, clutching at the material of Will's blazer. They came up for air, reluctantly enough, and just stared at one another; each amazed at their opposite.

"Im still unsure..." Jack breathed

"So am I."

"I'll always be afraid..."

"I know. Me too"

"But I know I want stay with you."

"Me too." Will held onto Jack. "I want to be with you... "

"Im not that strong."

"You don't have to be. I'll always be here."

"I'll always be here too."

_I'll always protect you,_

_So you never lose that which you've_

_clutched close to your heart_

_Sometimes I ask myself, how much farther will I have to go?_

Not much farther...


	5. A Warmth

Breathing Room

Epil.: A Warmth

* * *

The night came, and Jack and Will had thoroughly reconciled; and now lay exhausted on the carpet in the living room. They had wasted no time by retreating to the room; and they now rested peacefully. 

Will's eyes were still open in thought and he tightened his hold on his boyfriend... his partner for life.

Jack stretched and yawned in his fiance's embrace.

"Do you think we should call the girls and tell them" He murmured into Will's shoulder.

"No. Not yet." Will said, the happiest he'd ever felt. The joy was numbing, almost paralyzing. His breath quickened as he began planning in his head, all the things he dreamed about sharing with Jack.

"I don't know where we're going to do it Will. Do you" Jack asked, still not opening his eyes.

"Nope." Will shook his head helplessly and a smile crossed his features. "Maybe we should elope."

"Mm, that'd be fun."

"France? Peru? India? We could run away anywhere." Will said, his eyes full of life now.

"But we would always return right"

"Of course." Will smiled. "This is where it all started."

"That's it" Jack said. "Let's have the ceremony here, go to San Diego for the reception and then go to Peru after that" Jack laughed.

"Funny Jackie." Will stroked Jack's hair. He sighed sadly. "The only place we can get married without Dick and George W. breathing down our necks, would be on the ocean"

"I know. Bummer." Jack exhaled heavily. "Let's just have our party and ceremony here then. Who cares if it doesn't count to them? It counts for us! And there are those ...unions."

"Yes. Civil unions... blah blah." He smiled though. "Knowing that Im legally bound to you would be a great relief though... "

"Why" asked Jack curiously.

"Cause then I'll know that paying for you all these years wasn't in vain - Ow" Jack pinched his nipple hard.

They both lied in companionable silence, staring at the ceiling fan go round and round...

"I really liked your poem Will." said Jack suddenly.

"I really liked yours... "

"Thanks."

"Now I don't feel scared about letting you write your own vows - OW" Pinch.

"You never learn billy boy"

Jack and Will stood on the terrace together looking at the moon; the only thing they could see in the New York City sky...

Will's plants and flowers fluttered in the wind, saying farewell to Spring, and readying themselves for summer. Jack lifted a violet from one of the flower beds. He turned and placed it behind Will's ear.

Will laughed, and grabbed one and did the same to Jack.

"How should we tell them it happened?" Whispered Will.

"Hm, I'll just tell them you pulled a Nathan.. "

"Jack!"

"What? At least I acted accordingly!" He laughed and kissed his love on the lips.

They sighed contentedly in each other's company, silently planning and dreaming of the day when they could tell everyone.

* * *

(((Michiru-chan, domou!))) 

Sappy? Perhaps. Maybe I watch too many _novelas_!


End file.
